6/18/08

Of upgrades and an utter lack of respect for nature

To start, I'd like to say that Firefox 3 is the SHIT. I didn't think Firefox could get any better. But it did. If you yourself haven't upgraded yet, I recommend you do.

I've been cruising the internet today to get some crazy images out of my head. When I was in the mental hospital over Christmas, I met this kid who had seen some pretty messed up shit. He grew up in Sierra Leone. For those of you who don't obsessively listen to BBC on XM radio, there's kind of been some sort of rebellion-gone-awry going on over there. Apparently, these rebels have gotten out of control and have been doing all kinds of crazy stuff all over Sierra Leone. For one, some of these bastards shot the kid's grandpa right in front of him when he was three or something. He told us all about the terrible things he had seen. Now I don't want to try to downplay what this guy experienced. It was awful. It turned him into a sociopath. But I have recently come across something so scarring, so vile, so fucking twisted that even the guy who came up with Goatse would have lost his lunch at the sight of this abomination of nature.

I saw two bats fucking in my shoe.

I was out hanging out with some friends on base. We were gonna walk to the pool, but it was really crowded and we decided to go down to the swimmin' hole. Every town south of the Mason-Dixie line has some form of "swimmin' hole" for people too poor to pay the two bucks to get into the pool. So we're stripping down, comparing dick sizes, and swimming and shit.

Oh, by the way, we ran into this kid. Said his name was Jack Hoffman. I seriously think it's made up. Go on. Say Jack Hoffman out loud. Say it fast. His dad owns an Applebees.

But so I come back out to put on my shoes, and I see something moving inside of them. I started to freak out a little bit, thinking it may be a snake or something. But then I heard a little shriek. It was so quiet, and so tiny, but I sure heard it alright. I went to look inside and I find them. Two bats. Goin' at it. In my shoe.

All I could think of to say at the time was just "...Goddammit."

I didn't really know what to do. My friends asked me what was the matter, and I didn't know what to say. I guess I was in a sort of shock. Then, I decided that proper etiquette was to just...let them finish, I guess. I didn't want to watch. I didn't want anything to do with it. But I didn't want to disturb them or anything. I'm not gonna cock block a bat. I just can't rightly do that, you know?

So by now, my buddies have caught on to what's going on. They see the bats in my shoe and decide the best thing to do is to kick my shoe into the bushes. I felt bad for them. I felt bad for the male bat. I mean, wouldn't that suck if that were me? I proceeded to lecture them on respect and manners and nature and shit. But they would have none of it. They were too busy laughing it up.

But then, as we were walking back, as I felt my shoe slushing as I stepped, the horror of what I had just seen began to set in. I really let it get to me. I was really freaking out. I didn't speak for days. I didn't blog, I didn't call anyone, I didn't text, I didn't do anything. It was awful. Only just now have I mustered up the strength to share my tale of horror with my non-existent reader base. Beware, my friends. For the love of God, watch your shoes.

Cheers,
~SysRq

5 comments:

Cajek said...

Hahahahaha, that was awesome Sys!

Cajek said...

Sorry about your bud in the hospital, man. That bat secks story was great, however.

orian57 said...

That's your excuse for not blogging? Bat's breeding in your shoe? 'T'was verry funny, though skinny dipping with your male friend sissy? That's a little suspect isn't it? That's four rhetorical questions now? maybe I can't stop? And oh my God Cajek has a blog!? Must read!? ?????????

Alex said...

God, Cajek has a blog?

Nice to know you and I were among the first Uncyclopedians to get involved in the blogging trend, eh Orian? Thanks gize, glad you liked it.

Cheers,
~Sissy

Sk8r said...

So where is this swimming hole with bat pr0n and naked boys? I need to visit it......