Of turtles and the assholes that somehow get marketing jobs

Okay, so for those of you who don't know, I live in northern Virginia, about an hour away from DC. And for those of you who have never been, the housing market is nothing short of ridiculous.

There's this sign that's on my way home that says "If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home!"

What the fuck?

I'm not such a dumbass that I don't understand the concept of my own location. I drive by that sign every day. Thing is, I don't live there. I'm not home. I'm sitting in traffic, staring at your fucking sign, wishing I had the balls to shoot myself right there. It's bad enough that the housing market is fucking ridiculous with their planned suburban neighborhoods that just never seem to stop growing or stop being effing expensive as shit. But now I have to stare at this ridiculous marketing ploy, telling me the most obvious thing in the world, making me feel dumb and making my very existence that much more dull and useless.

I'd love to sit in on one of these marketing meetings. Poor bastards. Apparently, by the time you work up a decent reputation in advertising, you're already completely out of touch with real life. You sink into a fantasy world where people become children who are easily amused by flashing lights and silly words like "poop" and "fart". (Haha, I totally just said "fart.") They treat everyone like they have ADHD. Yes, we need to be spoonfed the stupidest slogans on a regular basis to make us move in to your shitty little suburbia. "If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home!"

There's only one place that you can use that phrase: on a shell. Turtles, snails, and nautilises have the rare privelage of calling anywhere in the world their home. All they have to do is declare it. Predators afoot? Bam. Suddenly, our turtle friend is safe in his home. Fuck you, bird! I made it home just in time!

Can turtles run away from home? I know that some hermit crabs do it. But there's no real point. I mean, if you live by yourself in your own little bachelor pad, who are you trying to stick it to by running away? Come on, hermit crab. Don't be gay. Your father doesn't even know you. Quit being a pussy.

Anyways, the moral of this story is that anyone who uses this phrase should be gutted and have their organs put back in their bodies in alphabetical order. Furthermore, if you see a sign that says "If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home!", do your part. Get out of your car. Hop the fence. Change the sign so that it reads "If You Were A Turtle, You'd Be Home!"



Of Wikibreaks, geriatric dogs, and two non-joke blogs in a row

Time for a break.

No one has noticed yet, seeing as how I only just made this decision, but I'm going on hiatus for a bit. Why? Because I can, and because I am an attention whore bent on building up emotions in order to receive a hero's welcome every time I "return."

In all seriousness, I just kinda need a break. I've got major writer's block, nothing really seems to be happening on the site right now, and I've just got a lot of other stuff going on. As much as I love you guys, I feel I must reconsider my priorities and go with my gut on this one. My gut tells me that it's time for a break, and I'll listen to my gut.

I love you guys. I love Uncyclopedia. Of course I'm coming back, probably within a few weeks. But for now, I'm just not really up to the task of editing every day and putting out funny articles and all. Right now, I'm more focused on my musical endeavors. For those of you who don't already know, music is my true passion, more than writing. And I've just got so much to do with that right now that I feel it should come first.

I'll still update this blog about as often as I usually do, just in case anyone is interested in what I do outside of Uncyc. (That means you, Optimuschris.) For example, my dog got to come home from the vet today. He got really sick the other day and passed out in the woods and started shitting himself and all. But the vet said he may have some problems with his liver and whatnot so he had to stay there for a few days. But now he's home. I guess I never realized that the dude's like 10 years old and that makes him a senior citizen in dog years. Right now we're being careful about what we give him and stuff. I think he'll be okay for now, though.

I'll be okay, too. I'll be back on Uncyc before you even notice that I left.


Of old friends

Alright, so I finally got Thunderbird to work for me. I had been fighting with my Gmail account and how to make it work with Thunderbird, but then I discovered a tutorial in Gmail specifically for Thunderbird, and so now it works great.

As I was importing some odd 800 old emails into Thunderbird, I recognized one of the first emails in my inbox to be from an old friend of mine from another website that will not be named. But it was from back in 2006, and I hadn't spoken to the fellah in forever. I had been trying to reconnect with some of my old internet buddies for a little while now, and I finally had somewhat of a lead.

I drop him an email, only half-expecting a response. Sho nuff, he replies, and we end up exchanging a couple messages before exchanging Skype names and talking there. Apparently, him and a couple of my other friends from that group still hang out in some Skype chatroom, three years after all of us had left our site of origin. No one else was online, but I talked to him for a bit. It was really cool catching up and all. I'm pretty glad that now I know where most of my old friends are.

Still looking for one other, apparently he plays a lot of WoW and is busy being a loser. I don't care, I'd still like to find him.

Anyways, nothing else really funny or interesting has happened to me as of late. Uncyc is slow right now. I didn't have to work today, which is cool. I think I'll go play my tuba.



Of upgrades and an utter lack of respect for nature

To start, I'd like to say that Firefox 3 is the SHIT. I didn't think Firefox could get any better. But it did. If you yourself haven't upgraded yet, I recommend you do.

I've been cruising the internet today to get some crazy images out of my head. When I was in the mental hospital over Christmas, I met this kid who had seen some pretty messed up shit. He grew up in Sierra Leone. For those of you who don't obsessively listen to BBC on XM radio, there's kind of been some sort of rebellion-gone-awry going on over there. Apparently, these rebels have gotten out of control and have been doing all kinds of crazy stuff all over Sierra Leone. For one, some of these bastards shot the kid's grandpa right in front of him when he was three or something. He told us all about the terrible things he had seen. Now I don't want to try to downplay what this guy experienced. It was awful. It turned him into a sociopath. But I have recently come across something so scarring, so vile, so fucking twisted that even the guy who came up with Goatse would have lost his lunch at the sight of this abomination of nature.

I saw two bats fucking in my shoe.

I was out hanging out with some friends on base. We were gonna walk to the pool, but it was really crowded and we decided to go down to the swimmin' hole. Every town south of the Mason-Dixie line has some form of "swimmin' hole" for people too poor to pay the two bucks to get into the pool. So we're stripping down, comparing dick sizes, and swimming and shit.

Oh, by the way, we ran into this kid. Said his name was Jack Hoffman. I seriously think it's made up. Go on. Say Jack Hoffman out loud. Say it fast. His dad owns an Applebees.

But so I come back out to put on my shoes, and I see something moving inside of them. I started to freak out a little bit, thinking it may be a snake or something. But then I heard a little shriek. It was so quiet, and so tiny, but I sure heard it alright. I went to look inside and I find them. Two bats. Goin' at it. In my shoe.

All I could think of to say at the time was just "...Goddammit."

I didn't really know what to do. My friends asked me what was the matter, and I didn't know what to say. I guess I was in a sort of shock. Then, I decided that proper etiquette was to just...let them finish, I guess. I didn't want to watch. I didn't want anything to do with it. But I didn't want to disturb them or anything. I'm not gonna cock block a bat. I just can't rightly do that, you know?

So by now, my buddies have caught on to what's going on. They see the bats in my shoe and decide the best thing to do is to kick my shoe into the bushes. I felt bad for them. I felt bad for the male bat. I mean, wouldn't that suck if that were me? I proceeded to lecture them on respect and manners and nature and shit. But they would have none of it. They were too busy laughing it up.

But then, as we were walking back, as I felt my shoe slushing as I stepped, the horror of what I had just seen began to set in. I really let it get to me. I was really freaking out. I didn't speak for days. I didn't blog, I didn't call anyone, I didn't text, I didn't do anything. It was awful. Only just now have I mustered up the strength to share my tale of horror with my non-existent reader base. Beware, my friends. For the love of God, watch your shoes.



Of dancing and freedom

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. Why did I spend it at the arcade?

I show up at the arcade in Fredericksberg. I hate that one because the pads on the DDR machine suck. But, I'm up here anyways so I might as well play. One of the things you may not know about me is that I'm a DDR fanatic. I've been playing for two years now and I play at the arcade a lot. It's just another one of my nerdy passions that I'd rather no one knew about.

So today, I went over to the machine and I started playing for a little bit. There are still a lot of people who aren't used to seeing DDR being played beyond Beginner mode, so I tend to attract some crowds. That was fine, I don't mind showing off for people. I was doing pretty well, despite the shitty pads I had to play on.

And then I decided to play The legend of MAX...probably the stupidest decision I could have made.

You see, for those of you who don't speak DDR, The legend of MAX is one of the hardest songs in the game. It's pretty fast, and it's pretty intense. I'd only passed it once before. And now, I was feeling so good, I felt like I could stand a chance of doing it again. But with all these people watching, I wasn't sure if I could.

It wasn't so much that I was tired. I was feeling great. But I have a strange way of passing that song.

Flashback to August 2007. I'm at the mall, really late at night, the place is almost empty. It's just Man against Machine. I was on fire. I decided to go for it. But I was wearing these shorts...it was the end of the summer and I was so hot from playing that I guess I was really sweaty. Halfway through the song, the unthinkable happens. My dick comes flying out of my fly. At first, I freaked out. But no one was watching, and I was so close to the end. I kept playing; I kept dancing. It turned out that, with my dick able to breathe the fresh air, I was cool enough to finish the song. Don't ask me how, but being that free and comfortable while playing made all the difference.

Back to the present day, I'm about to do this song, see. And all I have going through my mind is "how can I pass this in these pants?" And then, a thought. No, that's ridiculous. Everyone's watching, I couldn't! But at the same time, everyone was expecting me to do it. I had the song selected. It was set. I was going to play this song. Whether or not I passed depended on one little factor that swung between my sweaty thighs.

I took it out right there.

Children screamed as their parents covered their eyes. Gasps and shouts of "Is that...his...?" and "Put that thing away! What are you doing?" Pandemonium ensued. Panic and anarchy, shouts and cries, fear and death! Well, no one died. But there it was. My dick. In my hands.

And that was the second time I passed The legend of MAX.



Of mixing business with pleasure

So a couple weeks ago, I met this girl. She was a little older than me, but she was absolutely gorgeous, not to mention a medical practitioner. That was all I knew about her, but it was all I needed to know to ask her for her number. She seemed nice when we met, we were both at this party and she made a comment about my shoes or something. I can't remember. All I do remember about the party was that I had this girl's number and that I had to attend a funeral that weekend for something totally unrelated. (or so I was supposed to say)

But after that, I decided to call her up last weekend. She said she would really like to get together that Saturday to go out for lunch or something. I asked her if there was somewhere in particular she wanted to go, and she said she wanted to go get some sushi somewhere. I just happened to know this great little sushi place right on base, just down the hill from where I live so I told her it was on.

I showed up a few minutes early, but she was already inside waiting. I pulled up a chair next to the bar and the two of us started talking. She asked me about what I do, and I told her I was a Space Marine from space. (I'm not actually a Space Marine from space.) She thought that was cool, and I told her some war stories about how we were the ones who actually took out the Kingons or the Jedi or some shit, I dunno what I said, I was already hitting the wasabi pretty hard. So I asked her about her job. She said it was interesting work, and that she really enjoyed it.

Turns out she's a gynecologist. And I had taken her to a sushi bar.

I was trying to hide my minor case of the freakouts. I mean, I have no problem with her being a gynecologist. Whatever, I'd love to be a gynecologist. Seems like a fun gig. But is that why she suggested that we go out for sushi? What the hell was going on here? The whole time I was trying to sort all of this new information out in my head to determine whether or not I should actually be put off by this, she was still talking to me about her cat or her bird or her monkey or something. I just kept nodding and thinking "Oh God, let's just order some food and get out of here. If I take her somewhere else, I'll be fine."

So I asked her if she was ready to order.

She says to me "Yeah, you can order for me. Just get me something with crabs in it."

I ran out of the room and never called her again.


Of laziness and California rolls

This morning was the first time I've slept in since January. What a great day to be a bum.

I sauntered down the stairs at Wheneverifeellikeit:15 AM after scrounging up some clothes that I deemed fitting for a bum such as myself to lounge in. I hadn't really worn comfortable clothes in a while, either. I got on the compy, did my usual morning routine on the internet and such, and then decided I was going to get some lunch. I searched the fridge: nothing. I'm always convinced that there is nothing to eat in the house when I know that my mom is going to be making a commissary run soon. After searching my pantry for something that wasn't a month-old bag of Doritos, I discovered some California rolls in my fridge. How had I overlooked them? Of course, the better question would have been "How long have these been here?"

I sat down in front of the TV, almost proud of the fact that I was about to delve into a monotonous world of Seinfeld reruns and episodes of The Dog Whisperer. God, I love Cesar Milan. I was also about to delve in what had suddenly become a rather exciting lunch idea.

Like I said, I had no idea how long those California rolls had been in the fridge. Thinking back now, they may have been there for a good two weeks. I ate one and tried not to gag. I ended up spitting it up into the trash, where the rest of the California rolls found their final resting place. I rinsed my mouth out and tried not to vomit any further. Luckily, I kept whatever I did accidentally swallow down and I didn't throw up. God, that was nasty.



Of joy and shame

Today marks a very special achievement for me.

Yes, I've done it.

Three features in one week.

I gotta say thanks to all the Uncyclopedians who helped me out by reviewing the articles promptly and being so supportive of my writing. I still find it amazing that I got an article featured with 200% health. That's another first for me. But three features in one week? That's a big deal to me, I'm pretty happy with that. Perhaps I really am a good writer after all. Heh, after almost two years on this site, I seem to be just now figuring things out.

But such victories are short lived. Why? Because I am a dick. Just today, I saw a nooby little article on VFH (since I really only cruise VFH when I have something nommed, making me even more of a bitch) and felt the need to shoot it down, and shoot it down harshly. I feel bad about it, and I know that there are some other users who told me straight up that I was out of line. And they're right; I was. Of course I decide to do this just a few days after writing up a big long rant on some forum topic about how we're too mean to new users. I suck. Here I go, letting myself get all swept up in my own success, and totally forgetting that these are real people and not just blue usernames on a screen. I was out of line. I only hope I can use this as an opportunity to get better about the way I treat my fellow users.


Of tests, chili, and MacBooks

So today I took my SAT up in Chantilly. Of course I feel like I did pretty well, considering I wrote a kickass essay and did awesome on the first few sections up until the fire alarm went off. Scared the fuck out of me, even though it wasn't that loud. But the proctor didn't know what to do, so he just said we should continue taking the test. When the PA came on and told us there was actually a real fire, however, we had to leave. I wasn't thinking "wow I hope we get out of the building safely" or anything. Oh no. I was thinking "wow I hope my fantastic essay doesn't burn because I would hate to have to do another one." Such is my devotion to having an impressive enough score to get money from universities. Yeah, ultimately, it's about money.

On the way home, I was telling my dad about the one time that I had shown up to work (I work at a music store) and found both Sean (who no longer works there) and Elias (the manager) completely immobile and useless for the rest of the day. I asked Elias why he was being such a bum, and he told me that he and Sean had eaten lunch at the Hard Times Cafe right across from us. He said that burger made him move slower for the rest of the day. I figured I had to try it. I didn't get a burger; the waiter sold me on the chili. I tried the chili and it was fantastic. Probably the best chili I've ever had. I ordered another bowl and was barely able to walk out of there. That was some damn good chili.

Also, while we were in Woodbridge, we took the opportunity to stop into Best Buy and check out some MacBooks. I'm in the process of shopping for a laptop for school, and I've already pretty much decided on getting a Mac. The computer I'm on is running XP, which is a fine operating system, but I know that any PC laptop that I buy will be running Vista, the use of which is a fate worse than death. Mac OS X it is.

And then I got home and decided to make a blog or some shit. =D


Blogs are teh ghey.

So, I guess I better do a little explaining as to what this blog is gonna be about. Obviously, I have a connection to Uncyclopedia, a humor wiki that I like to edit every once in a while. If you didn't know what Uncyclopedia is, then you probably don't need to be reading this, because this is pretty much my life as it relates to Uncyclopedia. I'll rant here about what I find annoying about Uncyc, explain my often irrational actions, and just talk about other stuff going on in my life that some of you more concerned Uncyclopedians may care to know about. But if you just have an interest in me, for whatever reason, this may give you insight into a side of me which you may not have previously been aware of. Namely, a nerdy side.

I may do a real blog about personal stuff and whatnot, but I'll see how this goes.

Expect to see a lot of humor writing here as well. Some of it may do better on Uncyc, but most of it will be here for no reason other than it has no place on Uncyc. So for those of you Uncyclopedians who enjoy my stuff, you're in luck. Consider this to be the "SysRq Premium Edition" that you downloaded for free on BitTorrent.

I guess that's all that I have to say about what to expect from this. Hopefully some of you will take interest in this little side project and enjoy it.