Of certain questions pertaining to the American penal system and other frankly unpleassnt observations

Today was a great day. Any day I get to be home before 6pm is a good day in my book.

Allow me to explain.

So Tuesday I had a cross country meet. Yesterday, which was Wednesday, my coach decided to send us out over this god awful trail known by the terribly inappropriate name of Montezuma's Revenge. It pretty much killed what was left of my shins, being sprinkled heavily with roots and rocks and assorted fairy tale creatures with tiny hammers. Needless to say, I felt like shit by the end of it. Coach gives us all the day off today, whoopee.

So I'm already psyched about not having to go to practice. Then I have a doctor's appointment this morning, which allowed me to miss my first class. Cool. This day is already looking good, but can we go for the trifecta? What else could I do...say, get out of gym for today? Of course I did. I rock.

As I'm sitting there enjoying the very act of sitting, I decide to do a bit of soul searching. I wanted to share some of those with you today.

For starters, do sex offenders get conjugal visits? If they do, who's visiting them? "Mommy, I miss that man who lived next door and gave me popsicles whenever I brought him my poop in a plastic bag. Can I go see him in jail?"

Hm. Weird. Thought provoking. And at the same time, oddly arousing to think about. Okay, what else have we got?

"If I had a nickel for ever time I did that..."

Who's out there giving out nickels for every time someone does something stupid? Hell, for all I know, these people that do these stupid things probably just made that guy up. Or perhaps they're too dumb to find him. I'm smart, I should be able to find him. Hang on, let's say I do. He won't have any nickels for me, because I don't do dumb stuff. So why am I trying to find him? Plus, why am I out looking for someone a dumbass told me to go find? And why did I just eat those pancakes without syrup without noticing? Why am I eating pancakes so late at night? Who decided that I couldn't get lunch food before 10am at McDonald's? Why am I out at McDonald's in the first place when it's right next to Chipotle? How does that McDonald's stay open? Am I regressing into a creative slump of only using questions over and over again? Would YOU like to play the question game? Could you tell that I'm rather good at it?

Democracy sucks. I can just look at how my gym class tries to solve problems and I can explain in great detail why they should not be allowed to vote. I've got one kid who actually thinks Obama is a muslim. He also thinks that would be bad if he were. I've got other kids who believe that Osama bin Laden is from Iraq. There are even people in my school who say that the reason they like Palin more than Biden is because Palin has had executive experience. I'm looking forward to moving to Texas. Perhaps there I will find voters who aren't retarded.

I can't wait to go donate blood for the first time tomorrow. Why? It's true that my aunt's husband is in the hospital facing a life threatening blood disease. But I didn't even think about him when I signed up. All I could think about was "hey, free soda!"

I know they're gonna ask me if I have sex with men. They have to. And if I say yes, I don't get to donate blood. What if I tell them "no, but my gym teacher watches me change in the locker room if that counts." Or that I draw pictures of dicks a lot, does that count?

I was texting this one friend of mine, telling her that I got out of gym for the day. She told me she gets out of gym every day by telling the teacher that she can't run because her boobs are too big. I thought about filling up some water balloons and trying that one myself. Instead, I decided to whip it out in front of my gym teacher and telling him I can't run because my dick is too big.

The Department of the Interior is in bed with big oil. Literally. I just about came my pants when I heard that. I bet sex with an oil giant would be insane. Say, guys, have any advice for these juicy delicious young future federal employees I have here with me? "Just remember, once you go black, you get exposed by the media for 40 gut-wrenching seconds only to realize that nobody cares because they're distracted by that one dumb-but-hot chick from Alaska that looks a lot like Tina Fey."

Did you get that last one? Oil is black? Get it? And I was talking about Palin in that last part.

You don't care. You're only reading this because I asked you to on Skype.


Just please don't vote.



Autumn said...

See, this is a comment. I am commenting. Because I'm that awesome.

I'll write up the story for you sooner or later.

SysRq said...

I'd appreciate it.

Thanks for reading, non-pervert!