Of updates, updates, and more updates

So, we meet again.

Let's just get right down to it. You know what at least one of those "updates" mean. And I mean it. Them's is some mean lookin' Macs.

In case you're dumb and didn't know, Apple recently updated their MacBooks and MacBook Pros. By recently, I mean they did so on Tuesday of this week. They're pretty smexy, if I may say so myself, although I am still mourning the loss of the Firewire port on the MacBook. They're thin, metal, and slick as hell. No more mouse button, just press down on the whole trackpad and it's a button all in itself. Cool, no?

Apparently, no. I think I'm the only one I've talked to about the new MacBooks that bloody likes the new MacBooks. Everyone else (and by everyone else, I mean blogs) can't shut up about how ugly they are, how much they hate the black border around the screen, and how much they hate the keyboards on the MBPs. Oh yeah, and we're pissed about not getting a fucking MacBook Touch, too. You already know how I feel about that.

Oh, woe is the MacBook. Really, I think this is just a symptom of Applitus: the inability to shut the fuck up. When Mac users aren't bitching out PC users about how fantastic iLife is and just how terrible Vista is, they're bitching out Apple about how much they hate the new Macs and how disappointed they are that Apple is going the way of Microsoft in that is has become a large, evil corporation bent on accumulating wealth and making children cry. Oh, and we get the occasional "u kno gize steve jobs is a jerk irl" floating around.

I love Macs. I love the new Macs. I can't see a more powerful computer with comparable software preinstalled for a better price. (Dell comes closest, if you despise Macs you could get a notebook almost as good from Dell. Almost.) I hate Mac users. Shut up. Mac users are impatient, intolerant, and noisy.

However, I think even worse than Mac fanboys are Mac haters. These are the uneducated PC gamers who are under the impression that Macs cannot play games. While not all games will run on Macs, I will be the first to point out that God gave us Xboxes and PS3s for games as well. Fuck PC games. Do something productive. Don't bitch at me for liking Macs and being productive and actually doing something useful with my time (like blogging, heh) instead of pissing it away on Starcraft or WoW or Pick Up The Phonebooth And Die or whatever the fuck it is that you nerds play nowadays. I'm gonna go spend money on a computer that I'll actually use to better myself and be productive while you spend twice as much on your souped up PCs so you can vege out to Call Of Duty when you're not jacking it to custom Window's themes or on some innane chatroom telling your buddies about how awesome your computer is.

Enough about that. I've said what I needed to say. But now that you have tasted a sample of my succulant and savory bourbon chicken, it's time to wheel that ass of yours around to get in line for the noodles, too. Get ready for a heaping helping of my unbridled rage. Aaaand...who's gonna get it this time? Fear mongerers? Okay.

So today, my school has an assembly on cyberbullying. For those of you who don't know what cyberbullying is, (all none of you, if you're reading this blog) the commonwealth of Virginia defines it as the use of electronic text, pictures, or video with the intent to threaten or embarass an individual or some shit like that. I don't feel like putting in the effort to go look it up and present it to you verbatum. But that's what it is. And it is hilarious.

Let's reflect upon some wicked awesome cases of cyberbullying. There was Star Wars Kid, a classic case of jerks with YouTube accounts hurting a retard's feelings. Sure, that wasn't right. But does that make it any less hilarious? My friend was also telling me about some of the antics over at the notorious /b/. Apparently, Anonymos was up to no good when they stumbled upon a "straight thuggin" white kid rant video staring M.C. Dipshittery who decided to post his address. Anonymous decided to send shit to his house, to include a half-ton of mulch, an ice sculpture, one hundred pizzas, and a limo. Hurtful and inconvenient? You be the judge. Funny? No doubt about it. Then there's the prom queen whose life was destroyed after a video got out of her blowing her boyfriend. Anonymous was the one to spread it, of course, and therefore got away with it. That's funny to think about, unless you're that particular whore.

But let's take a step back. Cyberbullying is wrong, right? I mean, there are laws against it. Teens have killed themselves becuase of hateful mothers posing as teenage boys who trick these girls into trusting them and then unleashing a barrage of hate, driving them to suicide. That's wrong. I certainly don't take this kind of thing lightly. I mean, it's a good thing that there are laws against this kind of thing.

Of course I have a problem with something in this equation. Why else would I vent about it on the internet? It's because I have to sit through B.S. assemblies, listening to some annoying screeching lesbian tell me about how my text messages and my MySpace are going to get me convicted of a felony. She went on and on about how colleges look at your MySpace and your Facebook and they're gonna see you type out a few f-bombs and take away your acceptance letter. She told us about how once something goes on the internet, it never goes away. Once you send a text message, it never goes away.

Think about all the shit you've put on the internet. Even just looking back at last week's post is enough to scare the shit out of me. What if someone sees my Apple pumpkin and decides not to hire me? What if someone decided to arrest me for playing DDR with my dick hanging out? What if someone found out that I fuck turtles and encourage my readers to do the same? Dear god, I've gotta get home and delete this stuff! Oh wait, I can't, because you can find it anyways! Oh no!

Never mind that making a MySpace page increases your chances of getting raped by 150%. That's a fact; look it up.

Us poor kids left this assembly sucessfully scared out of our minds. Tomorrow morning, we get to sit through another assembly on fire safety. I was walking down the hall in my school when I saw a poster that said "THE CHILDREN ARE SAFELY TUCKED INTO BED...WHILE THE CANDLES ARE STILL BURNING!?" I don't even have kids and I still jumped when I saw that. Then I got home and turned on the T.V. to be greeted by the host of "Crazy Impossible Video Clip Show" telling me that "EXPLOSIONS CAN HAPPEN ANYWHERE, AT ANY TIME, AND IN ANY SITUATION." Jesus. Why do we Americans love to be scared? Why do we put up with this? Our only motivation to not be dumb on the internet or with matches or with sexual predators or with each other or in our rooms with a copy of Twilight and a straight razor is to be scared of these things. Harry Potter could be teaching my kids to conjure the dead? Wait...they could be doing that now! FOR GOD'S SAKE, MY FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER COULD BE ON A PORN SITE RIGHT NOW AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW!

What about fear mongering itself? That shit is everywhere. It's on your T.V. Your kids are most likely being exposed to it right now. Fear mongering lurks in your home, on your computer, in your car, at work, in your child's school, it's everywhere. And the thing is, you can't do a thing about it. 1 in 1 Americans will be exposed to fear mongering at some point in their life. And they will be defenseless. Here's a testimonial from a 13-year-old skinny white girl who was exposed to fear mongering.

I thought it was just another dumb assembly that I could just sleep through. The vice principal got up and told us to be quiet. I got out my cell phone and started texting Derick. But just as I was about to hit send, the lady with the giant forehead that was giving the presentation told us that text messages could never be erased. Also, sending text messages of a sexual nature is illegal in this state for minors. I stared at my screen, at the message I was about to send. A pair of digital breasts stared back at me: "( . Y . )". Before I could erase his message of "8=====D", I was on the floor, foaming at the mouth. I couldn't do anything. I kicked, I screamed, but no one could help me. They just "shush"-ed me and told me to pay attention, this information could save my life one day. But I knew it was too late. They were coming for me, and they already knew what I had done.

You don't know what it's like until you're a victim. You feel trapped and alone. You don't want to tell anyone because you don't know if they'll understand what it's like. I've never been so scared in my life.

If you think fear mongering can't happen to you, think again. Because you're wrong. Dead wrong.



Autumn said...

Dearest Dddddiiiiippppwwwwaaaaddd,

Advice: follow rules 1 & 2.
Better advice: cuss out Anon on you blog, just to see what happens.


orian57 said...

Funny stuff once again, Mr Rq. I can't remember what it was about but I luaghed.